When I lived in Manhattan, I remember this one time when we were going to head out to Long Island with Georgina’s cousins and I was really, really thirsty. I had never been so thirsty in all my life. I drank a full pint of water straight down. Then another. And another. I drank six full pints of water then we got in the car and drove out to Long Island.
About 45 minutes into the journey, I really wanted to pee. I kept quiet about it until, eventually, I whispered to Tony that it was imperative that he find a place to stop the car and let me out to relieve myself.
That was the best pee of my entire life. It was like liquid ecstacy. It was like all the sunsets that I had ever witnessed pouring out of my todger. It was the closest I had ever been to a state of pure happiness.
I should have gone before the lecture – I really needed to. Definitely after the lecture…before we went to the pub and drank all those beers. To get in the car after three beers and think I could then drive 25 miles in heavy traffic without having a pee first was just plain irresponsible. I had my trousers undone and the seat belt loosened to make the situation less urgent. I even took the lid off of my coffee cup in case things became more urgent.
I made it though.
That last red light at Almaden and Trinidad was almost more than I could bear, but bear it I did. I made sure I hit the garage opener at exactly at the right moment – because if you hit it too early you have that frustrating thing where you hit it again twice and it goes up a bit then stops and starts coming down again and you have to wait until things settled down which wastes time and I didn’t have time to waste – I got it just right. I put the car in Park while it was still rolling and ran for the door. Jazz came to greet me and when I dodged right to get by her she dodged the same way but I still made it.
It was the best pee ever. It was like the twin peaks of Bora Bora peeking up over the horizon – after an 18 hour ferry ride – just at the moment that the sun chose to rise between them while handsome polynesians strummed softly on their guitars. It was like that. Made into the purest liquid happiness. Pouring out of my todger.