Sunshine Blogger Award
Good morning sunshine! Sharon invited me to be a Sunshine Blogger. She made up 11 questions, and I have to answer them. Then I have to make up 11 questions of my own. Thanks for that, Sharon.
Sharon’s questions are HARD!! Maybe that’s what scared me off before. I’ll give it my best shot now, though. Here goes!
Sharon’s questions
1. What would your death-row meal be? (And none of your “Oh I don’t reckon I’d have much of an appetite” nonsense.)
That’s easy. Mrs Clown just made me a bacon sandwich. I’ll have another one of those, please.
2. What crime have you genuinely considered committing (even fleetingly), and what stops/stopped you?
I’ve committed lots of crimes, so it’s hard to find the one I didn’t commit, but…
I joined the Royal Navy when I was sixteen, and they sent me off to the Falklands. When I got back, they put me in a submarine, which I DID NOT LIKE AT ALL. I was an engineer in the Navy, doing an apprenticeship, and they had a rule that if you failed five exams, you were out! I deliberately failed four, but then they were onto me. “If you fail another one, we will send you to prison.”
I considered just running away and hiding in another country. A friend of mine did that, and he ended up in prison. I didn’t want to go to prison, so I found a new scheme.
If you get promoted to officer, it’s like you have left the Navy and joined again. When you are promoted, you are allowed to quit the Navy and join again. So, I got promoted, then quit.
3. If you were reincarnated, who – or what – would you come back as, and why?
King Alfred fought the Vikings, got defeated, got defeated again, and then he finally won and saved my country. We would all be speaking Norse if it weren’t for King Alfred. I wanna be him.
4. If your pet could talk, what would be the very first thing they’d say to you (and in what tone)?
Pearl would say, “I love you”. And then “Take this bloody cone off!”
Poor Pearl.
5. What’s the pettiest hill you’re absolutely willing to die on?
They keep leaving our living room door open. “Shut the bloody door!”
6. If you could replace your hands with kitchen utensils for a day, which ones would you choose?
Tongs, for sure.
7. What’s the most unhinged thing you’ve ever done in the name of love, lust, or mild infatuation?
I was going out with a young Maltese lady. I lived in London, she lived in Valletta, and we travelled back and forth. We kept this up for a year until we finally agreed to give it one proper try, and she came to London for six weeks. After three weeks, we hated each other. She even tried to set fire to my Billie Holiday albums, so I sent her home, and we promised to never see each other again.
Three months later, I was dancing on the table in The Lord Rodney pub in Whitechapel to “I’m in heaven when you smile”, and a beautiful girl in a black dress on the opposite table started making eyes at me. My friend said, “You are in there…” But I said, “I can’t do it…”
The next day, I went to the travel agent and booked a holiday in Jamaica.
I called that woman in Malta on New Year’s Eve and asked her: “I’ve booked a wedding in Jamaica. Are you in?” She said “Yes!”, and we have been married for 33 years.
8. You’re given a time machine with one return trip. What hyper-specific (and pointless) moment in history are you going to witness?
I’d go see King Alfred for sure, when he was wandering on the Somerset Marshes. I’d have one of his cakes.
9. What was your most troublesome pet growing up, and why was it a hamster?
A couple of weeks after I got Uncle Muncher from the pet shop, “he” gave birth to 5 baby hamsters. We called the vet for advice, and I asked if maybe the babies were adopted. The vet said “probably not”.
And then Uncle Muncher bit all their heads off. I didn’t get another hamster after that.
10. If you could instantly master one completely useless skill, what would it be?
When I was a teenager, I had a habit of jumping off things — getting higher and higher with each jump. I was walking along the promenade in Bournemouth with my family one day, and while they weren’t looking, I jumped off Bournemouth Pier onto the sand. I hurt my ankle so badly that I couldn’t walk. I had to limp really fast to catch them up before they noticed I was gone.
I wish I was better at jumping off things.
11. Which celebrity (alive or dead) would you most trust to delete your browser history – and who would you absolutely NOT trust?
I’d trust John Cleese. Not Dame Edna.
Rules for the award:
- Thank the blogger who nominated you in a blog post and link back to their blog. Done.
- Answer the 11 questions the blogger asked you. Done.
- Nominate 11 new blogs to receive the award and write them 11 new (or existing) questions.
- List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post and/or on your blog.
- I don’t think I know 11 people with blogs, but I’ll give it my best shot.
More Questions
1. Where did you most want to emigrate to? Why didn’t you go?
2. What’s the craziest place you ever slept?
3. Who did you first kiss? When? Where were you?
4. What’s the most alcohol you ever drank in a single evening? Did you make it home ok?
5. What’s the weirdest place that you ever ate a fruit? What kind of fruit was it?
6. Have you figured out your funeral plans? Anything exciting?
7. What was your parents’ wallpaper and furniture like when you were a kid?
8. Which historical dictator would you most like to have dinner with?
9. And what about a prime minister? Which one would you like to have dinner with? (substitute a president, or other head of state, if you don’t have prime ministers).
10. What’s the worst trouble you got into for something you didn’t do?
11. What’s an article of clothing that you could never do without?
People Up Next
- Julio got me on Substack in the first place.
- Does jtf post? I hope so.
- What about Matt?
- Mrs Clown. Are you there?
- Scattered Memories
- Another Clown
- Er…
- … that’s it.
- Sorry!
I’m writing my memoirs over on Substack. Come take a look!
