Don’t be a wanker

If you are planning to write a Curriculum Vitae resume any time soon, read this first.

Tip #5: Avoid Wank Words

Wank Words are words that inflate your perceived importance (e.g. using “architected” rather than “designed”), or words that have simply become synonyms, such as “Rational UML Process”, for the so-called work done by people who sit on their asses and don’t know how to code anymore.

Wank Words are worse than just devoid of content; they’re active indicators of total inactivity. Resume screeners either delete Wank Words or replace them with the word “wank” (e.g., “Certified Wank Master”), which makes the resume a lot easier to scan.

“Advocate” is a common wank word, when it refers to a title or position. If it’s a verb then it’s just a weasel word, but if you think it’s your title, then you’ve inflated yourself into Wanker territory. Either way, if you’re walking around advocating stuff, it means you’re not working. Also, it means nobody listens to you, because if you possessed actual leadership, people would just do what you recommended and then you wouldn’t need advocate it anymore. So “advocate” just means “wanker”.
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Hence, many wank-filled resumes wind up looking, after the screeners have marked them up a bit, like this: “Senior wanker wanking for the Wank-Wank Institute of Wankology on the wank wank wank project during which I wanked successfully with seven other wanky wankers.”

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Ragged Clown

Based in San Jose, California

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